Mitch Hedberg was (and still is) one of my favorite comedians. Tragically, he died of an overdose of drugs in March 2005.
“Do You Believe in Gosh?”, an album of (mostly) previously unreleased material, recorded just two months before his death, came out yesterday, so I picked it up. Old fans will not be disappointed. It was great to hear new stuff from him.
For people new to Mitch, I’d recommend starting with his first release, “Strategic Grill Locations.”
Here’s some of my favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes. You can see a lot more here.
- I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
- I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
- You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
- I got an ant farm… them fellas didn’t grow shit.
- I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
- I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.”
- I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary… I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying “hey, we ain’t gotta fix shit!”
- I used to live here in Los Angeles… and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing… it’s just flat!”
- I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision… because I didn’t know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
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