Daddy Dan

How to describe Black Hockey Jesus???  Is saying that he’s an amazing, unique writer that can, in the same post, have you rolling on the floor laughing and being touched to the point of tears enough?  It’s not.  Black Hockey Jesus is a phenomenon that you must experience for yourself.

He is the most unconventional of Dad bloggers, and his stated goal is domination of the Internet, to the point of warning Dooce that he’s coming for her.  While not threatening Internet domination, he’s writing unbelievably beautiful posts like this to his four-year old daughter Lucy.  Here’s an excerpt:

O Sweet Face.

If you only knew how carefully I hug you for fear that I might accidentally grind your little bird bones into a fine fine dust from the strength of my love alone. How could I ever make you understand? I would join forces with the moon and overthrow the sun for you. I would carry a big rock on my back across the orange desert for you. I would pluck a quill from an angry porcupine just so you could clean between those tiny little pearls you call teeth. I would suck rattlesnake venom out of your big toe. I’d spit it out and go PAH! I would learn trigonometry for you. I would wrestle crocodiles. Then I’d do a funny dance if it would make you smile. I would hire an airplane to write in big white smoke letters across the blue blue sky: “Daddy loves you Sweet Face”. I would build you your very own castle out of unique handpicked stones and mortar made of sugar. It would be on a big green hill on a remote island in the Pacific where there were no such things as sickness and old age. There would be parades every single day with showy displays of extravagant fashions. Lucy. I will hold your hand through the world’s biggest parking lots. I would leap in front of cars for you. I would shoot up Old West bars for you. I would stay up all night and count the sky’s stars for you. And give you the brightest one.

But this above all.

I will be our family’s pioneer and go out ahead to conquer Death for you—if only to explore, sniff around a bit, and check everything out to make sure it’s cool. But don’t worry. I will come rushing back to life and whisper all of Death’s secrets in your trembling ear. Just use your imagination because that’s where your Daddy lives. Remember to be still and listen with your whole heart. When you are a very old woman and you are in your last bed, you won’t need to be afraid. Just close your eyes. I will be there. I promise. I’ll open my arms so wide. Just listen very closely with everything you can muster and you’ll be able to hear me say through those veils of misty silver…

“It’s alright, Sweet Face. Daddy’s here.”

Here’s my exclusive interview with Black Hockey Jesus….

Daddy Dan (DD): Tell me a little about yourself.

Black Hockey Jesus (BHJ): I love pistachios.  When I start eating a bag of pistachios it is all over, Dan.  I am also a very good juggler.

DD: Tell me a little about your blog, Wind in Your Vagina.

BHJ: My blog is the beacon for a new, all-embracing consciousness that will help create the world everyone wants to live in.  It is so flipping awesome that it’s been known to burn people’s eyeballs right out of their faces.  Actually, it’s a very old form of consciousness that was destroyed by rationality and science.  We need better imaginations.  John Lennon wrote “Imagine” and some crazy dude shot him.  Mine is a dangerous business.

DD: How long have you been blogging?

BHJ: I have been blogging for 2 months and 2 weeks.

DD: What got you started?

BHJ: I have a deep seated sense of inadequacy that lusts for fame, money, and sexually charged attention.

DD: Why do you blog, what do you get out of it, and how long do you think you’ll continue?

BHJ: I write to generate attention.  What I get out of it is a lot of attention.  I will continue to do it as long as I get attention.

DD: Why should people read your blog?

BHJ: Because it will make them better human beings and help them lose weight.

DD: Do you monitor your blog stats?

BHJ: Compulsively.

DD: What types of blogs do you enjoy reading?  Can you provide a list of your 5 favorite blogs?  Why do you like them?

BHJ: I like blogs by funny people because serious people throw stupid parties.  Here are the internet’s 5 best blogs according to Black Hockey Jesus:

1. Baby on Bored
2. Jenny the Bloggess
3. Metro Dad
4. Dad Gone Mad
5. Halushki
6. Cynical Dad
7. Spohrs Are Multiplying
8. Newborn Identity

I like these 5 blogs because they are written by blazing suns who masquerade as people.

DD: What are your favorite non-blogging activities?

BHJ: When I’m not blogging, I wander about the city bringing vigilante justice to wily rogues.

DD: What does fatherhood mean to you?

BHJ: Every answer I think of starts babbling about responsibility and I don’t think that’s interesting.  So I don’t know.  Fatherhood means the end of being the sun and becoming just another star.  It’s a tossed handful of yellow taffy in the air.  How’s that?  It’s mysterious, like fireflies.

DD: Has fatherhood changed your outlook on life?  How has it made your life better?  Worse?

BHJ: Fatherhood showed me how to be all the fancy things I had read about in a bunch of books about Eastern Philosophy.  I believed that the path to salvation was a restructuring of my identity that included others, things, the whole, etc.  But I didn’t know how to actually do that until I had kids.  Kids will deconstruct the subjectivity of the subject.  Believe that.  Their major drawback is the complete and utter lack of solitude.  That’s been the hardest part for me.

DD: Why do you think your wife puts up with you?

BHJ: I like to imagine that there’s some kind of payback that inheres in putting up with some of my more difficult qualities.  I know that we laugh a lot.  I think she believes I’m a good man for our children.  But I don’t know.  Sometimes I imagine that Jenna and I have chased each other across many lives.  And maybe she puts up with me because I’m some kind of goal she doesn’t completely understand.  I like that question.  How do any of us stand each other?  I guess it’s just crazy irrational love.

DD: What is the secret of happiness?

BHJ: I found happiness when I realized that happiness was just a stupid pipe dream perpetuated by hippie liars.

DD: What has been the happiest moment of your life?

BHJ: There have been certain moments in my history of reading that have led me by the hand into certain insights of convulsive bliss.  I couldn’t begin to explain.

DD: Your biggest regret?

BHJ: Regrets are a cruelty to one’s self.  I stand by my actions.

DD: What are five things you want to do before you die?

BHJ:

1. Drink a Diet Coke without sharing it
2. Run the Boston Marathon
3. Smoke pot with Dad Gone Mad Danny Evans
4. Be crowned the King of Earth including Most of Outer Space
5. Write a book that everyone lauds with praise

DD: To close, tell us something most people don’t know about you.

BHJ: Most people don’t know that I have a bionic arm composed of military level technologies.

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Also:  Don’t miss the entire series of Daddy Dan Interviews

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Tags: Interviews

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