This week’s edition looks at a molested mall Santa, a nasty Santa ghostwriter, the ghost of Axl Rose, a butt-pinning girlfriend, and a dating service that matches you with your body odor matching soulmate. Let’s get started…..
Mall Santa molested by 33-Year Old Woman
A mall Santa in Danbury, Connecticut has charged 33-year old Sandrama Lamy with molesting him while sitting on his lap. The story doesn’t say exactly what she did to molest him, but she was quickly caught by police because she was described as being on crutches. I wish the story had a picture of the alleged molestor, because she must have been ugly for the Santa to have complained.
“Rogue Elf” Wanted for Ghostwriting Obscene Notes from Santa
Apparently in Canada (Romi?) letters sent by Canadian children to Santa are written by an “11,000-strong army of Canada Post employees and volunteers.” The rogue elf allegedly wrote at least 10 nasty letters to children this year. Now what is wrong with this person? If Santa wants to avoid this problem in the future maybe he needs to start responding to children’s letters on his own. Apparently he doesn’t have either the time or the inclination and I find that sad.
Teacher Calls Police After Being Told She’s “Gonna Die”
A teacher barricaded herself in her classroom last Wednesday evening in Roxbury, Connecticut when she mistook someone singing “Welcome To The Jungle” over the school’s PA system as a threat on her life. She was working after hours when she heard someone over the PA say she was going to die.
Six troopers and three police dogs arrived to find the school’s custodian and two other teenagers playing with the PA system. No charges will be filed in the case.
I guess the “you’re gonna die” part might have scared her, but she should’ve enjoyed some of the other lyrics, like “you’re a very sexy girl, that’s very hard to please” and “we got fun and games” and “you can have anything you want.” Jeez, what a pessimist this teacher is.
Girlfriend Uses Buttocks to Pin Boyfriend To a Wall
Wow, these must be some strong buttocks! I couldn’t even begin to make this story up or improve upon it, so here’s a lengthy excerpt. Enjoy!
Constance Ann Hertel, 48, of Kanawha Avenue, had been arguing with her boyfriend for several hours Friday, and when the man tried to leave she wouldn’t let him, according to a criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court.
According to the complaint, when the man tried to pack his belongings, Hertel came into his bedroom and threw a screwdriver at him, hitting him in the back.
She also struck him in the torso with a plastic cup, the complaint said.
Nitro Police Patrolman T.A. Fouch said in the report that Hertel then pinned the man against the wall with her buttocks, and as he tried to free himself, she grabbed him around the head and scratched him across the chest.
Fouch said he observed multiple large fingernail scratches from the top of the man’s left shoulder to the center of his chest, the complaint said.
Hertel also struck him several times in the facial area with an open hand and threw a television in the middle of the floor, the complaint said.
The complaint said that during an interview with police, Hertel said she also threw the victim’s daughter’s computer in the river.
Lastly for this week:
Dating Service Matches Couples By Odor
Tried Match.com or any other dating service without success? Maybe it’s time you tried ScientificMatch.com who promise to find you a date with “a natural odor you’ll love, with whom you’d have healthier children and a more satisfying sex life.”
In a press release, the company states “The fact is, we love how other people smell when their immune systems are different than ours - they smell sexier.”
Warning for you ladies, the story says that “women who take birth control pills, use hormonal patches, or implants aren’t good candidates. The hormones, the company said, leads women to be attracted to different people than those using other forms of contraception.” The service costs $1,995. Happy sniffing!
